Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
