____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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