i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
