highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
