When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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