The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
