I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
