1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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