Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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