just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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