I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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