WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
