Sry I called you an 8
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
