I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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