Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
