Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
