Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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