but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
