His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I pour the whiskey from now on
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
