he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
