I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize