i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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