This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize