i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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