i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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