So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
