bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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