I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize