did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
