Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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