good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
