Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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