if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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