those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
