you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
