i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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