Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize