We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
