dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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