Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
