listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
