I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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