I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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