Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
