She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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