1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
