my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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