White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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