my phone needs a breathalizer
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Panties = found
Randomize
