At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
