dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
