Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
