That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
