My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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