i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Holy sore nipples Batman
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
