i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
