did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
