I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
