Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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