I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
